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Posts tagged: healing

My Heart is Broken

I  found this post, just now, that I wrote at the beginning of this adventure. Now, it appears to be winding down. I’ve listened to Awake my Soul by Mumford and Sons almost 10 times tonight. I need God to awake my soul. I want God to heal my brother… He has been give 2-4 weeks to live. Pray for healing. My prayer is still the same, though the details of his life and cancer have changed these several months

I haven’t needed Sunday to be here this badly in a really, really long time. This past week has beenpainful. It is has beenhard. It has been trying. It has beenlong. It has been a week I largely want to forget. If I could, it would never have happened. 

This thought is not how life works. 

These are weeks God uses to do things in my soul - I guess I should begrateful.

Monday night hit and I knew it was going to be a bad week. I had that feeling. A final was looming on Wednesday and that always makes things gloomy. However, my Sunday last week got to a worse start - but at the time no one knew how bad it really was - until Monday.

As it turns out now, one of my best friends, a man whose wedding I was in back in May,has a tumor behind his left eye. Right now, it appears the best case scenario is that he’ll lose his left eye. They fear it may be already inside his brain. They fear it may be cancerous. This will change his life forever. It will change his marriage forever. It will change me forever. 

He was married in May.

May.

I was in his wedding.

He is a brother. His wife is a sister. Now, this?

I haven’t cried yet - I really want to - but I have told myself I won’t cry til I know more of the fate.

I get to see him and his wife tomorrow.I will pray for healing.I will pray for them. I will mourn with them. I will hopefully, be a harbinger of Jesus to them.

They need prayer. Pray for my brother Ramon. Pray for healing. Pray for miraculous healing. Pray for my sister Allison. For strength and wisdom. Pray for the doctors. Pray for me.

Oh ya, this week, I had to take a final without studying for it because of the stomach flu. Yet, it’s funny how life allows you to keep the little things in perspective…

Sunday, thank you for coming. I need a new week.

Sunday, thank you for coming. I need to hang out with the saints at RockHarbor Fullerton.

I wrote this in December. God, please heal. Please save my brother Ramon. Please. Please. Please.

A Barometer for Healing

Several months ago, a dear friend, a brother announced to me he was going on a date. I was able to be excited. Nay, excited is not strong enough a word - I was stoked. 

Tonight, another brother went on another date. I am stoked again. 

Six plus months later and this is my barometer for healing. God is faithful. Healing has come. God redeems. He reached down and gave me what my soul needed. 

I am grateful. 

I’m stoked for my brothers from other mothers.

Thoughts from my Inability to Sleep

My head won’t shut off. I’ve had these nights before. Yet, they are ones I do not want.

I wish the thoughts in my heads were pleasant ones - but in reality I don’t even know what they are. I mean, I do, but at this point in time I cannot quite figure out how to best express them. If I did right now, they wouldn’t exactly be eloquent or pretty. Rather, my words would be gritty - like old photos from the 50’s gritty.

Thoughts will form. They will become more clear. The grey will lift.

My God is bigger. My God is stronger. My God is faithful. My God is healer. My God is loving. My God is present. My god is at work - even if one doesn’t know how.

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;

his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,

“therefore I will hope in him.”

The LORD is good to those who wait for him,

to the soul who seeks him.

(Lamentations 3:22-25 ESV)

Creation. Fall. Redemption. Restoration (Please Come).

Creation. Fall. Redemption. Restoration. These are the four acts of Scripture we find. Creation and Fall have come and gone. Jesus has come, so has Redemption. Now we live in between Redemption and Restoration

The Now and Not Yet.

Without these two theological concepts I’ve listed above I don’t know how I’d be able to get through life right now. My soul is heavy. My heart hurts. My mind is weary. My body is going through the motions. 

I am still in shock this is happening. He’s too young. He’s my brother. They’ve only been married for seven months - it’s not long enough. I was in their wedding. We’ve walked through life together. I saw them the night he proposed almost a year ago. Even before this incident it has been a long year - now it has been a really long year.

The Now and Not Yet - the world we live in - the world of the in between. 

This is the world where pain, suffering, brokeness, sin, death and evil exists. Inside this world, cancer exists. It fills and surrounds. It brings strong men to fall on their faces. It brings their community to their knees.

Here. Now. All. Around.

The wolf shall dwell with the lamb,

and the leopard shall lie down with the young goat,

and the calf and the lion and the fattened calf together;

and a little child shall lead them.

The cow and the bear shall graze;

their young shall lie down together;

and the lion shall eat straw like the ox.

The nursing child shall play over the hole of the cobra,

and the weaned child shall put his hand on the adder’s den.

They shall not hurt or destroy

in all my holy mountain;

for the earth shall be full of the knowledge of the LORD

as the waters cover the sea.

(Isaiah 11:6-9 ESV)

We don’t live in this world. Yet, that’s the one I long to live in. I long for Restoration to come. The Kingdom is here, but it is not. Jesus has come; cancer has been beaten; yet, it still exists.

Kingdom please come. Jesus, please bring healing to my brother. 

Holy Spirit bring our Father glory.

Hello Sunday!

I haven’t needed Sunday to be here this badly in a really, really long time. This past week has been painful. It is has been hard. It has been trying. It has been long. It has been a week I largely want to forget. If I could, it would never have happened. 

This thought is not how life works. 

These are weeks God uses to do things in my soul - I guess I should be grateful.

Monday night hit and I knew it was going to be a bad week. I had that feeling. A final was looming on Wednesday and that always makes things gloomy. However, my Sunday last week got to a worse start - but at the time no one knew how bad it really was - until Monday.

As it turns out now, one of my best friends, a man whose wedding I was in back in May, has a tumor behind his left eye. Right now, it appears the best case scenario is that he’ll lose his left eye. They fear it may be already inside his brain. They fear it may be cancerous. This will change his life forever. It will change his marriage forever. It will change me forever. 

He was married in May.

May.

I was in his wedding.

He is a brother. His wife is a sister. Now, this?

I haven’t cried yet - I really want to - but I have told myself I won’t cry til I know more of the fate.

I get to see him and his wife tomorrow. I will pray for healing. I will pray for them. I will mourn with them. I will hopefully, be a harbinger of Jesus to them.

They need prayer. Pray for my brother Ramon. Pray for healing. Pray for miraculous healing. Pray for my sister Allison. For strength and wisdom. Pray for the doctors. Pray for me.

Oh ya, this week, I had to take a final without studying for it because of the stomach flu. Yet, it’s funny how life allows you to keep the little things in perspective…

Sunday, thank you for coming. I need a new week.

Sunday, thank you for coming. I need to hang out with the saints at RockHarbor Fullerton.

July 13, 2006 :: My Story is Not Solitary

Before we delve deeper, there is one story I must tell. Honestly, it is one I do not have the privilege of fully knowing, for I was a continent and an Atlantic Ocean away, in Romania, on a mission trip. On July 3, 2005, my brother came down with a stomach ulcer.

He almost died. 

I received an e-mail telling me the story. My parents called shortly later when we figured out how to make an international call work. I had no idea what to do. Did I stay? Did I go? If so, how would I get home?

Needless to say, I stayed. My brother was rushed to surgery and after that moment, all he needed was to heal. His life was safe. I had no need to rush home.

Romania was an interesting trip. It is what pushed me to get involved in Campus Crusade for Christ and thus go on a Summer Project.

My brother, went to the same hospital I was in. According to my sister, when I was let out of the DOU, she had a case of deja vu. For, I was placed in the same room my brother had stayed in a year ago. 

Same room. A year a later. Deja vu. I was not there. I had no clue. Today, I find it humorous how God chooses to orchestrate His movement. At the same time, all of this, hit my family hard. The timeline, the deja vu’s, the story, all of it, was more then my family could have expected. My parents know that if it wasn’t for God’s guidance and miracles they would have lost both their son’s in the span of a year.

Think about what they must have felt.

This post though, is about my sister.

She is a rock. She is an amazing woman. She is one of my best friends. 

I may have been the one lying in the hospital bed. I may have been the one dying. But, she was going through as much emotional and spiritual turmoil as I was. Today, this experience is probably why we are so close. 

Despite her full time job, she faithfully came and sat with me, prayed over me, cried over me, grieved with me and served me - every day I was in the hospital. Every day. She would come, give my parents a break so they could try and get distracted. She kept my parents company - a very important job.

My time in the hospital was excruciatingly difficult on her. God used this time to shape and form her as well. All of my family for that matter. I’m thankful she was there. I’m so thankful God worked in my sister through this.

My sister is amazing. 

My story is not a solo story; it took place in family and community.

My story is also her story. 

It’s humbling to see, now, five years later, just how much God used this time to shape and move more then just myself. Because of my weakness, God made her better.

In a way, I’m thankful for that.

God is good. God is so, so, so much. In this post, good will suffice.

July 4, 2006 :: The Beginning of the Almost End

The drive back to Orange County on the third was uneventful, but it only took a few hours being home for the Fourth of July to become one my family would never, ever forget. It would become so etched into our brains, that every year, we cannot help but marvel at how God moves and how He saves

I was home and feeling horrible. My back was in pain, more pain then I had ever experienced before in my life. I went upstairs to my room, to sleep in a real bed, my bed, for the first time in a month. I took my medicine and hoped sleep would help. I was too tired to think about the prospects of leaving my community for the rest of the week. I just wanted to get healthy. I needed to get healthy.

At approximately 1 in the morning on July 4, 2006, I woke up screaming.

My parents came running. 

My temperature was at or around 106 (I was dying, pardon me for not remembering exactly).

The bathtub was filled with ice and my temperature did not go down at all. At this point, my father went into super hero mode. He helped me down the steps, placed me in the car and him and my mom drove me to the Emergency Room at Kaiser Lakeview. My father, broke every traffic law known to man (now looking back on it, we all laugh and admit we probably should have called an ambulance)

I had no idea what was going on. I was hurting. I just wanted to sleep. The worst thing in my life had just happened, I had to leave my community in San Diego. I was already under some immense spiritual confusion and attack.  My parents knew more then they told me.

My dad, in his super hero mode, told me his plan of breaking my nose (to make me bleed), in case the ER would not receive me immediately. It made me laugh. I had no idea what the big deal was, it was just a temperature of 106

I couldn’t even walk into the ER. My dad had to grab a wheel chair. Needless to say, they took me right away and I wouldn’t leave until 13 days later.

There are many stories I don’t remember from this day. 

What I know, is by the end of the day, I was in the Direct Observation Unit (DOU). The major difference between this and ICU - is how nurses have two patients instead of one. I was “tricked” into signing my overnight papers, by my parents, saying: “Don’t worry. They just want to watch you. You’ll be out tomorrow morning.” So I reluctantly signed them.

That was the most important signature I’ve ever written.

What they told my parents was, something along the lines of: If he doesn’t stay overnight, he’s not making it through the night. We have no idea what is wrong with your son. His body is shutting down. He doesn’t have much time left.”

On this ominous Fourth of July, my definition and reason for celebrating, would forever change. I saw no fireworks. I ate no hot dogs. Barbecue’s were not on my mind.

God had other plans; plans I could never have imagined.

July 4, 2006, was the beginning of the almost end.

The end of my adolescence had begun

It was the entrance to a journey my soul, my faith, my life, my family, needed to see and feel God in ways we could only dream of.

July 3, 2011 :: RockHarbor Fullerton

I love my church. Is that a hip or cool thing to say any more? I love my local expression of the Kingdom of God, here on earth, that is my community and family of God. I love it.

Tonight, was one of those moments where being inside a community you love just overwhelms your soul with the way God works.

My weekend has been marked by remembrance and celebration. It has been one of contemplation, reflection and thanksgiving. After all, celebrating God saving your physical life, five years prior, is something that just radiates peace and gratefulness. 

In an irony of Godly proportions, RockHarbor Fullerton, as we are going through the book of Mark, took the opportunity to preach on Mark 5:21-43 - the healing of an unclean woman and Jairus’ daughter. In our community’s culture of intentionality, we long for the words and stories of scripture to shape us. We long to be formed by this book, because we know the Kingdom is near, at hand. We know, one day Jesus is coming back and He will make all things right. But, we also know how He has given us His authority to go to the ends of the world and help usher in His Kingdom. Thus, we want to live expectantly, allow God to work and step into what He is doing in the world around us.

To sum the previous up in one sentence, we believe God is healer and still heals today. The story of the woman and Jairus’ daughter was not just a story of then, but one of now. The disciples healed. The believers in Acts healed. Church history since then is full of miracles and healing stories. 

Gratefully. 

Thankfully.

Humblingly.

I am a story of healing.

I am a story of God’s Kingdom being near.

I am a miracle God chose to heal, save and make a testimony of how He still heals today.

Not because of anything I did.

Not because of me earning it.

Not because my community earned it for me.

God chose to heal me.

God moved.

Don’t get me wrong, there was all kinds of prayer and petition. People I didn’t even know were praying for me. People all over the world were praying for my healing. (And I was, but more on that later…)

RH Fullerton hit me hard tonight. The only other time I have been hit this hard with the realization and truth of God saving my life, was on the one year anniversary. I was overcome with gratitude. 

Five years later and I’m blessed to be alive

Five years ago, God showed me He is still in the business of healing.

Five years ago, God healed me.

Five years ago, God granted me life.

Five years ago, my story got interesting

So grateful five years later I’m alive, at RHF and stepping deeper into the reasons why God has me alive.

God heals, I’m proof. 

Do you believe God heals?

When we don’t deal w/ our own wounds, our ability to feel compassion is stunted.
Darrin Patrick