Posts tagged: brother
Boulevard of Broken Dreams screams in my soul as a type this post, not because I’m listening to it but because in some fashion these lyrics make sense and correlate to this post. Reconciliation is not an easy road - it is hard. In the words of Green Day, "I walk a lonely road; The only one I have ever known; Don’t know where it goes; But it’s home to me and I walk alone".
There is a truth in direct contrast to these lyrics I’m learning - the road of reconciliation is hard, which is why it cannot be walked in solitude. Reconciliation and solitude are impossible tasks for there is no one to shine light into the complexities of one’s soul and relationships.
Several weeks ago I took a risk and finally initiated a time to hang out with my brother. When push comes to shove this is not something I would say I wanted to do, rather it is something I knew I needed to do. In the context of my role and how God has shaped me it is my job to “die first”, to be the one who puts pride aside and seeks out the next, best, right step.
The thing I learned in doing this, is seeking out reconciliation is all I can do, after that it is out of my control. I made sure the responsibility is off of my shoulders and on his. We talked. We hashed out ish. He knows where I am at - now I get to wait and see - see if what he told me is true. I get to test, receive and give my brother all the hope in the world, that maybe, it is different. Only time will tell.
What I do know, is I am not in this alone. My community is with me. They are always with me. Without them, I am nothing and I would be walking a very dark and lonely road.
Last night, in the midst of a crazy couple of days, days filled with mental and physical tiredness, God opened up a unique avenue for the waging of warfare. Gracefully, the Holy Spirit gave me the patience and wisdom to wage good warfare.
It centered around a meal, well I was eating dinner and my brother was sitting at our kitchen table with me. The conversation was several parts shooting the breeze, several parts talking about what happened to my truck and several parts talking about his life, his job hunt and family. In a way it felt like old times; the nights where him and I would be the only two left up in our house. He would have gotten home after working and I was downstairs watching television or something in high school. Yet, this time, there was something entirely unique.
This time, there was a memory of what once was and what there now is.
At least, this is what I felt. I don’t know if my brother truly understands this. I don’t know if my brother truly understands how much I love him. (Now for this to all make sense one needs to recall all the post about my brother. Also, one now needs to know how my brother and his family have moved into our living room until he finds a job and place to live in Orange County.)
Inside me, deep down in my heart and soul, there is pain and a longing that has been unable to be quenched because of his wounds left there. Those are only possible though because I love him. I want my relationship with my brother to be sanctified, to be healed, to be redeemed - I want it. But, the only way for this to happen is for the Holy Spirit to heal my heart over a matter of time.
Ever since my brother’s family moved into my living room this past week, my heart and soul have been fluctuating from bad to good. The conversation a night ago is a reminder how much effort it takes to reconcile. It is a reminder of walking in and processing reconciliation. It was a realization, a breakthrough, a word from the Holy Spirit that reconciliation is less about the process of reconciling with that person, but more of me reconciling my heart back and in God’s heart, His love, His appreciation for His creation.
Reconciliation is always a spiritual thing. Before I can be reconciled to my brother, my heart and soul need to be fully reconciled to my God. Holy Spirit, please help apply the Gospel to my life. Holy Spirit, please breathe life and bring light.
Not all stories in my journey through life are success stories.
Not all stories in my journey of doing life with God are ones that I completely know how to properly handle well.
Not all stories that pop up - stop.
This is one of those stories. It first started giving to me - deeply - back in July. It was a story of betrayal and lies. (for more on the beginning of the story check out: http://thereforethecross.tumblr.com/post/921575653/god-stands-beautifully-supreme; http://thereforethecross.tumblr.com/post/922853886/it-is-finished; http://thereforethecross.tumblr.com/post/923668248/jesus-understands)
I’m not going to say that this was an easy thing to get over. I had some amazing help along the way from pastors, to brothers, to community, to family and my girlfriend. But, after the end of August - I was able to close a lid on it. Until, the story gave again. And then several weeks later it gave again. Then, two weeks ago the story gave again in the form of a subpoena on the door steps for the person who this story focuses on. I was hoping that’d be the final part for a while.
Then, tonight, they announced that they are pregnant.
I should be happy, but this story is shrouded with too many lies and back stabs to be able to fully get behind. There are two kids in the picture already from her first marriage. They have only been married a short time (as long as they have been dating pretty much), hid their marriage for a while from us, didn’t let us get to know her and now… they are pregnant with a kid of their own.
The story is a lot more complicated then what I just typed. If you want to know more message me and ask. It’s been a fun ride.
The story just keeps giving.
I wonder, what the next saga of the story will be…