directorsnarrative:

1•8•4 July 3, 2012 (by mrbosslady)

July 3 is not a great day.  In fact, the whole month of July is kind of wretched for me and it all started seven years ago.  I almost lost a brother on July 3, which then led to another horrible revelation and rift in out relationship. But that wasn’t so bad.  It didn’t ruin July for me.

And then July 3 came around the next year and my younger brother almost died.  He spent two weeks in the hospital, and I was with him every day, and then almost a year recovering.

That’s when I really began to dislike that week in July.  Starting on the 3rd my whole psyche would clench and I couldn’t unwind, petrified something would happen.

I worked really hard to try and make July something that didn’t stress me out any more.  But the stress, the fear persisted for awhile.

The feelings were beginning to fade a bit until 2010.  My older brother, the one who almost died first, was undergoing some ongoing health issues.  Our relationship had never quite recovered, but I was trying.  I thought things were looking up.  And we were almost out of July - when he suddenly slammed the whole family with news.  News that he had betrayed us, lied to us and generally slapped us all in the face.

I’m going to be honest.  I broke a little.  For the first time I truly experienced rock bottom - or at least what it meant for me at that time.  But July, the whole month, was really poisoned for me then.  Not just the beginning, but the whole month.  July 27, 2010 clenched it.  I haven’t been able to turn back since.  But I’m still trying, even now, to redeem July and hope something truly wonderful will happen that begins to counter all the memories of the pain with the memories of good.

The one bright spot I always had in July, even with all the pain, was San Diego Comic-Con.  I loved going there, once a year and feeling like I did have a corner in the world - town where everyone was like me.  It helped.  But this year I don’t have that.  I can’t go.  I don’t have tickets and couldn’t afford it any way.

So yesterday I went to San Diego to try to get through July 3 and I decided to make a wish.  It’s more of a promise and a prayer than a wish, but I made it.  And I can only hope that God will be faithful and one day I will love the month of July again.